March 21, 2016 – A Turning Point

This week was hard.  It always is.  It was this week six years ago that the course of my life took a 180 swing from the photography business I owned for ten years to healthcare.  

So it is here that I will leave my personal statement, which might be known as the pièce de ré·sis·tance to a medical school application.  It’s an essay that provides your why and how of becoming a physician.  You get 5,300 characters to grab the reader’s attention and make them want to learn more about you and your aspirations.  

I spent a LOT of time and did MANY revisions of my personal statement and this is what I ended up with, which I think really does paint the picture of my “why.” 

“Dad,” I spoke softly, trying to gently wake him up. After no response, I lightly nudged his arm. What followed could have taken place over seconds or hours, because time had no meaning as I called 911, hysterical and trying to comprehend the situation. I was at my parent’s house to pick up and drive my dad to a lab appointment to check his warfarin levels. He didn’t feel safe driving anymore after the mini strokes which occurred months earlier left him confused. My dad, who was my biggest cheerleader and best friend passed away in his sleep that morning of

March 21, 2016 at 53. A sudden death is different from an expected one. I didn’t get to say goodbye and I was left with questions I couldn’t answer and no one to answer them for me.

Two weeks later at lunch with my mom I bluntly stated, “I want to be a doctor.” This isn’t the first time I had considered medicine. This nagging desire has been with me since I was younger, but as a first generation college student with little guidance, my path turned away from healthcare. A couple years prior to my dad’s death, I applied to nursing school. Nursing was a logical choice given my situation and it would put me in healthcare while providing a living wage. Now, in the wake of my dad’s death, I said it with conviction, “I want to be a doctor.” My dad’s death reignited the desire to pursue medicine, to find answers, and to understand.

This wasn’t a prime time to make a career move, however. I was working as a CNA and had two young children. But I moved forward and took pre-med classes alongside my nursing curriculum. Deep down I was hoping that nursing would provide me with the fulfillment I craved.

Shortly after starting nursing school I approached one of the hospitalists in the small rural hospital where I work and asked if I could shadow him. This doctor cared for my dad while he was hospitalized with the mini strokes. While this was reason enough for me to ask for his guidance, there was another small, but meaningful reason why I asked him. During a visit with my dad, Dr. AwesomeDoctor came in to speak with us about my dad’s health. After this conversation he took the time to engage my young son in conversation around some toy vehicles he was playing with. This gesture secured my opinion of him. He agreed and I spent as much time as I could shadowing him on rounds and having candid discussions on what it meant to be a doctor.

I graduated nursing school in 2018 and started working in the ICU at the same hospital. I enrolled at Undergrad University and pursued a double major while continuing to complete pre-med classes, working at a furious pace for the next two years. I would work twelve hour overnight shifts, commute an hour to the university for several hours of classes, then come home and be a mother to my children while my husband worked evenings.

Then COVID hit our small community hard.

“It’s not right. I should be there,” she wailed into the phone as I listened, holding back my own tears, knowing nothing I say will ease this woman’s pain as she tries to come to terms with the fact that her son probably won’t live to see morning. Our 18 bed ICU unit is full and we’ve run out of ventilators and BIPAP machines. I’ve lost count of the phone calls of this nature that I’ve made.

I’ve held the hand of every patient of mine that passed away. I delivered messages from loved ones that were unable to be at the bedside as patients’ took their last breaths. The gravity of this experience will stay with me forever and has filled me with humility and gratitude as well as an appreciation for the limits of medicine. It has also further solidified my need for something more. To guide care, to empower patients to be a partner in their health care decisions, and to be a trusted advocate. Working as a nurse has allowed me to appreciate the unique skillset every member of the health care team brings to the table to form a cohesive treatment plan for the patient. Becoming a physician would allow me to care for patients in a way that further  challenges my problem solving and critical thinking skills by drawing from a deeper understanding of pathophysiology and an appreciation for each patient’s unique set of circumstances.

The experience of my dad’s death was the catalyst that pushed me onto the path to medical school. Now, five years after I spoke those words to my mom during lunch, I am confident in my decision to pursue medicine. My life and work experiences have confirmed that for my personal growth, I need to evolve into a role that better suits the way in which I want to care for patients. I have learned that encounters with the health care system are often overwhelming and scary for both patients and families. My time as a nurse has taught me that empathy and compassion are just as important as clinical skills, and this will serve me well in the future.

I will be the physician that takes the extra time to engage with not only the patients I care for, but their loved ones, because holistic patient care extends to the family as well. I will be the physician that participates in and encourages lifetime learning. I will be the physician that mentors future healthcare professionals. I will be the physician that I would have wanted taking care of my dad.

So there you have it.  I’ve read this a thousand times and it’s still really difficult for me to get through.  I was a daddy’s girl growing up, and my dad and I only became closer as I became older, especially through adulthood.  I know that he would be beaming from ear to ear, telling me how proud he is of me if he was here right now, and that thought itself is enough to get me through this rough week.