Mom Guilt

One of the things I hate most about being a parent is the never ending guilt that comes with it.  Feeling guilty that you fed them McDonalds…. Again.  

Feeling guilty that you didn’t take them to the park.

Feeling guilty that you let the TV or Ipad babysit them while you took a nap because you are just.so.tired.

But as a parent that is going to med school and still working, the guilt seems to be on another level.  It’s easy to say, “I’m doing this for them” and “it’s going to show them that they can do anything!”  But the reality is, I’m doing this for me.  And I feel like I’ve been absent a huge chunk of their childhoods to pursue this dream.  At what cost?  Will I someday say that it was worth it?  Will they resent me someday because of my choice?

Several months ago, a coworker made a snide comment to me that was something along the lines of “just think of all fun things you’ll get to do with your youngest when you’re done.”  I didn’t really know what she meant by that and state so.  She went on- “Since you’re going to miss all that time with your older two and when you’re finally done they’re going to be old enough to be doing their own things. But your youngest will still be young enough to go do mommy daughter stuff with.”

I felt like someone had ripped my heart out.  I’d never been attacked like that before.  This person is known for being on the snarky side, but this felt like a personal vendetta.  And that comment has stuck with me… gnawing at my sense of self.  

I remember reading an article one time that I believe was written by a hospice nurse.  She had asked all of her patients what they regretted most in life and the overwhelming response was not spending enough time with family.  

Life is short.  This is what I told myself when I decided to go pursue medical school.  Life is too short to let it pass me by- I need to pursue my dreams!  More and more often I find myself questioning my own mortality and wondering if this is all worth it.  If I shouldn’t just quit school, be a nurse 3 days a week and get to spend the rest of the time with my kids and husband.  Sure, we’d be broke… but would I feel more fulfilled?  Would my kids feel more loved and supported?

I have no good way to end this post- just feeling frustrated, and longing for stability and peace.