Block 1 Retake

So unfortunately for me, I didn’t pass my first exam.  And due to my health issues extending my Block 2, and the back to back nature of Block 3 and 4, I didn’t have anywhere to place the retake in my schedule except for following Spring break.  At our school, you have ONE opportunity to retake a block exam.  If you do not pass the second time, you face the dismissal committee.  In other words, you will more than likely either be dismissed from medical school, or you will have the opportunity to repeat your first year.  So when I tell you the pressure was on- I am not kidding.

I generally do not have anxiety.  But as I was finishing up taking this retake exam, my mind was racing at the thought that if I didn’t pass, this could very well be the end of my journey.  At my age (of nearing 40), would I really repeat this year again?  Would I take out ANOTHER $80K in loans to do so? I hesitated for what seemed like an eternity.  My sweaty fingers pressed the end exam button and I was greeted with my provisional score, which, like always, is in a questionable range for if I passed or not.  

I had to concentrate hard to make my body move to put my laptop away and walk out of the exam room and to my car without losing complete control of my body and melting into a puddle of goo on the floor.  My limbs felt like a thousand pounds and took concentrated effort to move.  When I finally got to my car, I opened up the website again and found I had indeed passed.  The wave of relief that came over me was nothing short of  exhilarating.  I had to sit in my car for a good twenty minutes before I got a hold of myself and calmed down.  My therapist later called this phenomena a ‘parasympathetic dump”-’ which I quite like.  The idea that my sympathetic nervous system was so overwhelmed that when the threat of taking the test was over, my parasympathetic system basically tried to compensate, bringing me back down to reality, but that this drastic shift is what had me feeling like a wet noodle.

So how did I celebrate?  Like I always do when I pass an exam- I went and bought some plants 🙂